Dear Dog and Cat,
- When I say “move”, it means someplace else, it doesn’t mean switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
- The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. (Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate & food does not stake a claim for it becoming your plate and food, nor do I find it aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.)
- NASCAR did not design the stairway, and it is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me does not help either because I fall faster than you can run!
- My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
- For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom! If by some miracle I beat you in there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary for you to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw underneath the door to try to get it open. I must exit through the same door I entered. (In addition, I have been using the bathroom for many years and I assure you, canine or feline attendance is NOT mandatory.)
- The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat’s butt. I cannot stress this enough! It would be such a simple change for you.
- I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Watch videos or look at pictures of dogs and cats sleeping…they actually can curl up into a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. (I also know that sticking your tail straight out and dangling your tongue out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.)
- To pacify you I have posted the following message on the front door:
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Like to Complain About Our Pets
1. They live here; you don’t.
2. If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my pet better than I like most people.
4. To you, it’s an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son or daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours, and speech challenged.